Understanding Abusive Relationships

Writing this post after the recent Shradhha - Aftab case in Delhi, Aftab killed his live-in partner Shraddha. 

This post is to generate awareness about identifing an abusive relationship and make an exit from it. 

Please read: 

Understanding Abusive Relationships

Going to share some insight about how to identify and exit from an abusive relationship.

Non-marital, living-in relationship is included in this discussion. Lot has been written about abusive marriages. Legal, social support too is available for married people in an abusive marriage.

So let's begin.

When does a relationship become abusive?

Is it when your partner hits you for the first time? 

Nope. 

Violence in an abusive relationship comes after several warnings. It begins much before partner hits you. Abuse comes in more subtle ways before it shows its true colours. We must learn to rightly catch these warnings. 

Recall the instances when ever, you had felt uneasy /insulted around your partner. Either they caused your insult or made you feel uneasy or they did not bother to support you when you were being insulted in the presence of your partner. 

• Did you ever feel your partner didn't listen to you? 
• Have you ever felt very uncomfortable, scared, unsafe in the company of your partner?

There are times when your partner disagrees with the decisions you have taken about your personal or professional life. Your partner expected you to take his / her/ their, 'advice / consult / permission', in decisions about your personal and / or professional life.

Note, these are those signs, the alarm bells, signalling you about your relationship being unhealthy.

At this point you better begin to think about an exit strategy.

Sooner you will notice embarassment caused to you by your partner's behaviour while you two are with your friends or relatives. 

Have you ever had your partner yelled at you in public places?, - a restaurant, mall, cinema hall, walking on the road,airport, while you are in the bus /metro /railway / flight / taxi. 

If you partner looses their cool at any public place and keeps blaming you for reasons you can't comprehend.

If your partner starts sulking often for they are uncomfortable with your abilities to take decisions independently. 

If such instances have become a new normal of the time you spend together.

Then Oh, dear you, - across all gender divisions, must recognise and accept that you are into an abusive relationship. 

It is important for you :

• to learn to save your peace of mind; 
• maintain your safety. 

It is important that you get out of this abusive relationship as soon as possible. 

Now is the time to make a graceful exit. 

If your partner and you spend time in your accomodation, you will have to gather courage to ensure that your partner stops visiting you. 

If you are sharing an accomodation with them, you will have to be even more careful with the mood disturbances as well as with the logistics of an exit from shared accomodation. 

If they live with you in the same accomodation, for which either you both pay for or they alone pay for it, then it is most important for you to have access to an alternative accommodation. 

And get that job, if you are not working yet. Get any damn job so as to earn just enough to move out from your current accomodation, you have been sharing with your partner.

It may seem difficult to find new one, it may be such that you may have to bare few inconveniences which may bring few hardships, if not lot, in your existing lifestyle.

You may not afford a new accomodation in the locality you have been living. Your new accomodation may be at a location which requires more time for you commuting to work.

Bare with such inconveniences. It is easier to bare them than surviving trauma of an abusive, violent relationship.

After you stop meeting your partner, after you begin living apart from them, you will miss them, certainly. You will miss intimacy, the tender moments you shared. But gather strength and stay away from an abusive partner. 

Your support system of friends and family as well as a therapist shall be of good help for you to sail through aftermath of exiting an abusive relationship. 

If after moving away from them, you begin living alone, then paying for your own upkeep without any help, may seem really inconvenient. But it is not impossible. It is worth every effort. You can make your life far more meaningful, peaceful and happy, by simply staying away from an abusive partner.

If after moving away from them you return to your parents home, remember not too many get that as an option. Be grateful to your parents that they still are willing to accommodate you in their home. There may be few really heated discussions with, " I had already told you that person was not good for you", etc. Tolerate those up to a point.

But if your parents start using that card to control you, insult you, it is better for you to stand up. Be assertive about your right to make choices about your life. Decide on amicable terms if you want to continue staying with your parents. 

Remember, this may mean number of uncomfortable discussions, arguments with your parents. Survive those without compromising your decency and grace.

Do not let them insult you often. Saying this because, being abusive is a tendency among humans. There is a chance that any of your parents could be abusive.

It is important to safeguard yourself from being abused, by anyone. Confront with people who are abusive to you - be it parents or your partner. Bring to their notice that their behaviour is far from cordial. It is far from accepting you for being what you are, the way you are. 

If you don't confront, the abuse may continue. Your partner may chase you, text bomb you with requests to meet one last time, etc. Your abusive parent/ s may continue to pass nasty remarks about anything you do and they disagree with. 

Your parent/s may keep sulking about you having brought them to shame because of your wrong decision about choosing a partner in the first place and then walking out of the relationship afterwards.

You will have to hold yourself, standing upright and claim your dignity yourself. 

Just so you know, your parents, friends or any one else, who are your support system, cannot hold your dignity. It is you, who must stand up for yourself to ensure a safe, healthy environment around you. Those who support you, come later. 

It is important for every person to recognise the early signs of a possible abusive, violent relationship and save yourself from the trauma of being repeatedly abused or subjected to violence. 

Don't forget violence can come in non-physical ways. It is violence enough having to bare with constant criticism or insult or nasty comments disguised as jokes. 

Stay alert, ensure your safety and well-being. Having failed in one relationship means you got an opportunity to learn. Gather yourself and rebuild your life. You will find joy, happiness and even love and it is important to never give up on self love. 

- Swati, November 18, 2022